If you’re a parent of small children then your Christmas countdown will probably go something like this:
December 1st
Wake up to shouts of excitement and go downstairs to see both kids tearing open the first door on their advent calendars. Spend at least five minutes trying to help them prise the tiny chocolate out of the mould and a further five minutes staring at it, trying to identify what it is.
December 2nd
Add the finishing touches to the Christmas tree, nodding enthusiastically when your child hands you a clay star-shaped decoration they made at school while secretly thinking it doesn’t match the rest of the tree’s décor.
December 3rd
Contemplate putting a nice wreath on the front door because all the neighbours have one. But then decide that you can’t be arsed because you’re a tired parent who already has so much to do.
December 4th
Spend at least three hours in a packed shopping centre trying to find Lankybox merchandise while shaking your head and thinking back to the far superior toys of your youth.
Which, if you’re an older millennial like me, probably included these:
December 5th
Discover that your 4-year-old has raided the cupboard and started sticking 1st class stamps on your Christmas cards because he wants to post them. To himself.
December 6th
Day 6 of the Christmas countdown and time to watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. It’s becoming more and more relatable as the years go by.
Apart from this scene where Clark Griswald completely covers his house in Christmas lights:
No parent would do this because 1) the electricity bill would be ridiculously high and 2) absolutely no parent has that much time on their hands.
December 7th
Wonder if it’s too early in the Christmas countdown to open the After Eight Mints that you were planning to save until Christmas Day.
Think f**k it and open them anyway.
While wondering if there’s anyone out there who actually waits until after dinner to eat them.
And trying to hide the wrappers from your kids.
December 8th
Do more Christmas shopping. While thinking of this meme:
December 9th
Wonder whether or not your 7-year-old is too young to watch Gremlins because your parents had absolutely no problem with you watching it at that age.
Then think of this scene where the Gremlin jumps out of the lovingly decorated Christmas tree and attacks Mrs Peltzer…
…and come to the conclusion that your parents made some VERY questionable decisions.
December 10th
Start to wonder if your kids have actually watched Gremlins in secret because they will not LEAVE THE BLOODY CHRISTMAS TREE ALONE!
December 11th
Realise you’ve reached that age where “comfortable loungewear and a selection of tea” is the only answer you give to anyone who asks you what you want for Christmas.
December 12th
Stare at everyone’s perfectly decorated trees on social media, glance at your own tree, with its solitary blue gingerbread man and clumsily painted stars, and decide that it’s actually perfect the way it is.
December 13th
Think about finally writing those Christmas cards after you’ve put the kids to bed but end up in the kitchen searching for Christmas treats and alcohol instead.
December 14th
Realise you’ve got to the age where you start googling every old Christmas song you hear to see what year it was released…
You also start to feel strangely emotional when your kids start singing along to Last Christmas and Walking in the Air.
December 15th
Visit the shops intending to finally complete your Christmas shopping but instead spend at least half an hour sniffing scented candles and trying to decide whether you want your home to smell of Winter Spice or Pine Needles.
December 16th
Try and resist the urge to text the husband asking him to bring back some treats from the festive menu of *insert name of any café or bakery here* on his way home but fail miserably.
At this point in the Christmas countdown, you don’t care that the festive mint mocha contains possibly more sugar than your kid’s massive Halloween stash. You need the energy.
December 17th
Realise that you’ve stupidly left it too late in the Christmas countdown to book a Christmas shopping delivery. But you’re determined to get those chilled mini pies for the Christmas Eve buffet, so you set a date to do some last-minute food shopping.
Which will definitely be done without the kids in tow.
December 18th
Spend at least five minutes helping your child to locate day 18 on their advent calendar because by this point, with its torn doors and imprints from desperate attempts to push the chocolates out, it looks a mess.
December 19th
Become aware of the fact that it’s one of the final dates for posting cards in the UK for them to arrive in time for Christmas. And smile smugly that you, a busy parent of two small children, somehow managed to get your sh*t together and send them all out in time.
Then suddenly remember later on, probably when you’re just about to fall asleep, that you forgot to write one to poor Aunt Mable.
December 20th
Frantically search through your kids’ wardrobes at 8 pm on the night before their school’s Christmas Jumper Day and hope that they haven’t outgrown their Christmas jumpers.
December 21st
Spend most of the morning threatening your kids with lumps of coal for Christmas because you’ve had to ask them fifty times to step away from the shiny Christmas ornament on the mantelpiece and eat their breakfast.
December 22nd
Worry that the stress of the Christmas countdown has resulted in you being a bit harsh on the kids lately. So you spend some quality time with them and do some Christmas baking together.
And then watch Home Alone to help you feel better about your parenting skills.
December 23rd
Fit in the last few bits of Christmas food shopping. Which will definitely include yet another pack of After Eight Mints and TWO boxes of mince pies. Maybe even throw in several boxes of these too:
It’s Christmas after all and by this point, you definitely deserve another treat in addition to the treats that you already consumed nearly two weeks earlier. You might even dare to start relaxing a bit.
The Christmas countdown isn’t over yet though.
There’s still so much to do and so little time to do it.
December 24th
Lay out some treats for Santa, convincing the kids that Mr Claus is more of a wine drinker than a glass of milk kind of guy, so we should definitely leave out some Pinot Grigio and a mince pie.
After somehow managing to get two highly excited kids to sleep and scoffing Santa’s treats (making sure to leave a few crumbs on the plate), it’s time to start wrapping all the presents.
Which you’ve stored away in the loft to stop the kids from seeking them out and now have to try and retrieve as quietly as you can.
And finally stumble into bed at midnight, not bothering to set your alarm because the kids will be waking you up at 6:00 am.
December 25th
It’s Chrrrrrriiiiiiisssssstttttmmmmassss! The Christmas countdown has ended and the big day has arrived. Time to scoff Quality Street for breakfast and slave away cooking a Christmas dinner that the kids won’t eat.
And so…
Has all the stress been worth it just for one day?
No.
No it hasn’t.
