One of the strongest feelings that I’ve experienced during my parenting journey is guilt. I’ve lost count of the number of hours I’ve spent thinking I’m not good enough, that other parents are better than me and that I’m the biggest failure in the world.
One of the main causes of my guilt was being unable to breastfeed.
I wanted to, I really did, but I couldn’t.
It’s ironic, as being on the larger side in terms of breasts, there should have been enough in there to feed an entire ward of newborns. There was, but it just wouldn’t come.
When my daughter was born, I managed a few drops of colostrum and then….nothing.
“You won’t be able to go home until you’ve established the breastfeeding,” the midwife informed me, as she sat there feeding my new baby some formula after an exhausting night of trying to get her to latch on.
My heart sank.
I’d already been in the hospital for a few days and was desperate to go home. The third-degree tear I sustained during the birth added to the stress of the situation. My baby wouldn’t feed, my bits felt like they were on fire and I was given so many laxatives to enable me to easily go to the toilet after the birth injury that… well, you can guess what happened.
The parenting journey was definitely off to a shit start (literally).
When I was finally released from the hospital, I received a call from the breastfeeding team. They were extremely helpful, but I knew deep down that their efforts were pointless. By the third day of arriving home, my breasts were red, swollen and painful. The team arrived, breast pump in hand, and spent the whole afternoon trying to help me feed my baby.
But still, the milk would not come.
Eventually, we decided to stop for the afternoon. But there was another problem.
“This needs to be checked out,” the lady from the breastfeeding team said, examining my breasts and looking very serious.
Exhausted and frustrated, all I wanted was to be able to breastfeed my baby. The last thing I wanted was a doctor prodding me.
The redness was only getting worse though, so off to the doctors I went. I couldn’t even put bra on because it was so painful. There I sat in the waiting room, braless (somehow I’d still managed to get a top on – a real effort when your breasts are swollen and painful), wondering what to expect.
Had the lady from the breastfeeding team been hinting at cancer? She’d seemed extremely concerned, as though it was more than just hormones that were causing my breasts to become so red. Several changes to my breasts had occurred earlier in my pregnancy, but these all turned out to be normal.
I knew they were just being cautious, but I was so tired and frustrated after such a difficult pregnancy and was reluctant to have yet another examination. I’d lost count of how many times my bits and boobs had been poked and prodded.
Luckily, it wasn’t cancer. They couldn’t tell me exactly what was wrong, only that it appeared to be something similar to mastitis. This commonly affects women who are breastfeeding, which only made me feel even more guilty for not being able to.
Back home, I tried to accept the fact that I was unable to breastfeed but it was hard. Having friends who had also recently had babies and were able to breastfeed made me feel even more guilty.
I knew there were other people in the same position as me but that didn’t make me feel any better. My daughter seemed to be thriving though!
Sadly, it was the same with my second baby nearly three years later.
I couldn’t even produce any colostrum for him. Things had changed a little by then and there was far less pressure to go down the breastfeeding route.
But it didn’t ease the guilt.
There are several reasons why some women are unable to breastfeed. Years later, I’m still not sure what the exact cause was for me. Despite the sadness I still feel, I no longer feel any shame for bottle-feeding my children. My babies thrived on formula milk and the husband and I were able to equally bond with our children at feeding times.
Being unable to breastfeed was one of the hardest parts of my early parenting days but I try to focus on the positives when I look back on it now.
The boobs were fine, the redness cleared up and I remained in good health.
Breast changes are common in pregnancy but it’s always best to see a doctor to be on the safe side! And don’t worry about not wearing a bra, though I do recommend a good-sized T-shirt for extra comfort!
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