Forget the terrible twos, and the threenager stage. It’s the furious fours where the shit really hits the fan.
It’s like Harry Enfield’s Kevin. One minute he’s a cheery young boy getting all excited about his birthday, and then the next, the clock strikes twelve, he turns thirteen…and everything changes.
He becomes….A TEENAGER!! His arms hang limply at his sides, he develops a permanent look of disgust, and he starts shouting “it’s so unfair!” and “I hate you!” every time his parents ask him to do anything.
My son may only be four, but I honestly believe that this transformation has happened to him nine years early. Gone are the sweet smiles, replaced with grunts of frustration as my tiny man stomps around, slams doors and tries to do EVERYTHING himself.
“Let me help you with that,” I offer, as he tries to fasten the buttons on his school shirt.
“I CAN DO IT MYSELF!” he shouts in response, outraged at the offer of help.
Then there’s the toilet situation. Now, while it’s not as bad as it used to be and I’m starting to be able to pee alone again, there are still interruptions. These include:
- Requests for snacks.
- Sniggers at the possibility that mummy might be doing a poo (rolls eyes).
- Asking me various questions while I’m sitting on the toilet, despite the fact that Daddy is able to answer these questions.
However, when it’s HIS turn to go to the toilet, a tiny hand is held up when I attempt to go in with him, followed by the words “you wait there”, like he’s a celebrity and I’m a mere servant being dismissed. The door slams shut, and he gets a little privacy. I sigh, wishing that he would give ME the same privacy that I’ve just granted him, and wonder when my sweet son turned into such an angry, frustrated little monster child. He’s still sweet, but in an arms-crossed/if looks could kill kind of way.
I’m trying my best to be understanding. Starting school full-time is a bloody huge step for small children. With my 4-year-old, all of his emotions that have built up over the day are released at seven o’clock in the evening, when he’s overtired. This results in almighty fights with his incredibly strong-willed sister.
Now, being strong-willed isn’t a bad thing.
BUT…
Strong-willed plus furious fours equals lots of shouting, screaming and doors being slammed.
No wonder some parents crack open the wine when the kids have gone to bed!
In addition to the occasional glass of wine, I’ve found that these things are also helpful for getting through this challenging stage.
Giving the kids screen time
Screen time is my go-to for getting the kids to wind down when they come home from school. The 4-year-old goes straight for YouTube Kids (groan), while the 7-year-old heads straight for her tablet.
There’s a bit of mum guilt for allowing them to do this the minute they get home, but we have set a screen time limit!
It keeps them calm for a bit, stops them arguing over the TV and gives me time to prepare dinner.
Win-win!
Reading
Every parent knows that the school run and the build-up to it is a f**king nightmare. Well, it might not be a nightmare for everyone. But for quite a few parents of preschoolers, it very likely is.
The furious fours not only bring challenging evenings but also difficult mornings, too. After several attempts at trying to stop my son from playing with his toy dinosaurs at exactly 8:20 a.m., around 10 minutes before we have to leave, we also have to wait for him to try to do everything himself. While it’s good to give them some independence, there are still some things that a 4-year-old just cannot do. Trying to explain this to him, though, is pointless.
After the morning battle, we’re finally out the door and somehow, I’m not sure how, we’re usually still on time.
I sometimes arrive home feeling a little bit defeated by the day, though, despite it only being 9 a.m. So, to calm myself, I’ve started reading a chapter or two of a book while having breakfast. I don’t read for long, only twenty minutes, but it helps to get rid of the negative feeling that threatens to demotivate me for the rest of the day.
Of course, everyone’s routine is different, and some people may only have time to read in the evenings. I can never manage that, though, as I usually find myself falling asleep whenever I attempt to read at night.
The furious fours are tiring!
Reading all about it
In addition to reading books that enable me to escape parenthood for a bit, I’ve also found that reading about this particular stage of child development has helped. I’ve been through it before, but I still find that reading different articles helps me to understand why my son has suddenly turned into a miniature Kevin the Teenager.
I will honestly say that my son is far more difficult to deal with than my daughter was at that age!
Reading about the furious fours helps me to understand what might be going on in his mind and find ways to deal with the situation without reaching for the wine parental burnout.
Arranging something to look forward to
In addition to the furious fours, I’m also dealing with what I’m going to call the sassy sevens. My 7-year-old also seems to have developed the attitude of a teenager.
Me: “Could you tidy your room, please?”
The 7-year-old: “Yes, I’m doing it, you don’t need to ask me again!”
Me: “Well, clearly I do, because you didn’t do it the first time I asked.”
Or the second time.
Or the bloody third.
Sigh.
It’s so challenging! And, with both children going through this early teenage-like phase, it’s caused tensions between the husband and I. Gone are the goodbye kisses in the morning, instead replaced with me muttering “yeah bye” as I watch my husband walk out the door and feel envious of him for going to work early and being able to avoid taking the kids to school.
And the bulk of the childcare during the school holidays, too.
Lucky sod.
But then the guilt sets in for feeling resentful. His day can be just as tiring as mine, and he’s a very hands-on dad. He’s feeling the full force of the furious fours just as much as I am. The other night, our son informed him that he wanted a new daddy. I’m not exactly sure what Daddy did wrong, but if I had to guess, I would say that he probably committed the horrific crime of handing our son the wrong cuddly toy.
After a bedtime routine that now mostly consists of our 4-year-old standing there whining and whimpering at everything with a screwed-up face and sounding very much like Stan Laurel, the husband and I often feel a bit defeated.
It’s exhausting business for all of us. So, to help us all through this challenging stage, I’ve started to arrange something to look forward to. These are simple things, such as:
Family days out on Sundays
We always try to get out of the house every Sunday and do something together as a family to create a few happy memories amid all the chaos. While the furious fours are still very much present at the weekends, it’s far less challenging than the weekdays.
A family meal out
Admittedly, no meal is completely relaxing with small kids, but the children always end up full and happy. The wallet ends up much lighter, though, so we can’t do this as often as we’d like, but we’ve started making it a somewhat regular treat.
A relaxing walk
Autumn is one of the best times of the year for getting out and doing things as a family. With no school run to worry about on Sundays, we can easily take things at our own pace. We usually enjoy a lazy morning before heading out for a long walk in the afternoon. We have no choice but to go slowly anyway, because the 4-year-old insists on stopping and inspecting every single rock, twig and bug that we come across.
There’s still anger, tears and frustration, especially if the children are a bit tired from the week. It helps them to get outdoors for a bit, though, and the youngest sometimes naps in the car on the way back, which gives us about ten minutes of peace!
And finally…
Creating a kid cave
It’s amazing how much a cardboard box enables a 4-year-old to let off some steam after school.
And so…
Those lovely autumn walks and reading are helping me through it a little bit, especially the reading, as it’s helping me to gain an understanding of why my lovely boy, who it feels like was only a baby just yesterday, is now suddenly four years old with the attitude of a moody teenager who is pissed off by mummy and daddy’s every move.
Let’s hope there’s no such thing as the fearsome fives….
