There are two things that I’ve learned since becoming a parent. One, you need a LOT of patience. This is particularly the case during the early years when you find yourself repeating the same phrases over and over again.
“Shoes off please!”
“Don’t touch that, you’ll break it!”
“Stop moaning and just EAT IT!”
And going through the same situations over and over again.
You put your toddler’s shoes on, he takes them off.
Give him his coat, he insists it’s the wrong one.
Tell him to be careful when running, he doesn’t listen, falls, and splits his lip, resulting in a two-hour hospital trip.
IT’S ENDLESS!!
The second thing I’ve learned is that parental burnout is a very real thing. As parents, we put up with a lot of shit (often literally). If parenting was a job, we’d be demanding a pay rise and avoiding overtime as much as possible. We deal with tantrums, provide endless snacks, cook dinners that are often rejected, wipe bums, read the same stories over and over again, role-play for hours (unless you hate it like me), watch endless Peppa Pig or Ben and Holly episodes and much more.
This is because we love our kids, obviously.
There’s only so much you can take of being someone’s personal climbing frame though. Or being told that your cooking is yucky. Or trying to stop your kids from killing each other. As much as we love them, there’s no denying that children can be challenging.
Children can have tantrums and meltdowns but parents can also end up in meltdown mode too. There are days when, despite me needing to be the responsible adult and deal with everything calmly and sensibly, I lose my shit. I don’t roll around screaming on the supermarket floor or anything like that, but there have been screams of frustration.
On the occasions where I have lost it, I’ve ended up feeling ashamed. It’s just one of the many things to feel guilty about during the parenting journey. However, I’m now better at recognising when things are getting too much.
If any of the below are happening, then it’s a definite sign of parental burnout.
Being irritable
When I’m stressed, I tend to become really irritable. This is probably the case with most people, even those who aren’t parents. When you find yourself snapping at your children though, that’s when the real guilt begins. There’s no worse feeling than shouting “just get your shoes on for god’s sake” at your toddler, only to see his little lip wobble and for him to start crying.
We try to be as patient as we can with our kids, but it’s hard to be patient all the time. We’re only human after all. But it’s not good to constantly let yourself get to this stage. I find that arranging some time away from the kids can help me avoid burnout and snapping at them.
Feeling depressed
This is a big one. I don’t feel any shame in admitting it, because it’s a very real thing for parents. Parental burnout can lead to parental blues. It’s no secret that it’s hard being a parent. Sometimes the everyday challenges of the journey can lead to negative thoughts and feelings. This was especially the case with me during the early years.
Becoming a parent for the first time is overwhelming and can be stressful, especially when you’re sleep-deprived.
And If your birth plan didn’t go to plan like mine didn’t, then this can also increase the risk of depression. Sometimes I felt like I couldn’t cope in the early days. Luckily, I had a brilliant health visitor who helped me through my struggles.
Talking to a health visitor, friend or family member can help you feel like you aren’t alone in this parenting malarkey.
Taking time away from parenthood to learn a new hobby or do a regular activity can also help boost your mental health and reduce the risk of parental burnout.
Wanting to escape
Confession – there have been times when I’ve been tempted to pack up my things and leave. I never would. But the feeling has been there. Once, when my daughter was in the midst of the terrible twos, I left the house and took a walk around a local lake in the dark. I sat on a bench for ages, constant thoughts about not returning running through my head.
Those terrible twos (and threes and fours – does it ever really end?!) are very challenging. You’re dealing with tantrums nearly every day, so it’s not surprising that you may end up getting to the stage where you have to resist throwing one yourself.
Luckily, I’ve managed to avoid getting to that stage. When I think of escaping now, I escape to the garden with a cup of tea/glass of wine/massive bar of chocolate instead. A walk alone also helps. Probably best to remain calm and have one at a sensible time rather than wandering around in the dark and sitting on a bench in the cold for an hour though!
I still have moments when I feel stressed, but recognising those warning signs has helped me to become much better at avoiding parental burnout!
