In the seven years I’ve been a parent, I’ve discovered a lot of things, particularly during the early days of being a first-time mum. One of the main things I learned is that people make A LOT of judgemental comments to a first-time mum. Some people dismiss the challenges of being a first-time parent, despite some of them having gone through the experience themselves.
I’ve compiled a list of all the comments that were said to me in the early days of my parenting journey.
“Other women look like they’re coping, why can’t you?”
This was said to me several times during moments when I was struggling. It’s possibly the worst thing to say to a first-time mum or even someone who has been a parent for years. Parenthood is a never-ending journey that brings many challenges along the way.
So yes, Sharon from across the street may look like she is better at coping with parenthood than I am, but we never really know how someone is truly feeling. We certainly can’t make assumptions just by looking at a mother and her kids in the street. Behind closed doors, Sharon might be enjoying a glass of wine or two (maybe even three) every night or devouring a 300g bar of Dairy Milk to deal with her struggles. I wouldn’t blame her if she was!
The last thing a first-time mum wants is to be compared to other women. It’s not a competition!
“It’s a challenge arranging a visit to your house!”
A LOT of people visited us when we brought our daughter home from the hospital. Overwhelmed and sleep-deprived, I lacked assertiveness and allowed people to visit when it suited THEM rather than requesting some much-needed family time. When I finally did, the above comment was the response I got.
Sometimes it’s just never enough for some people and they will constantly expect your door to be open to them. People must try to be respectful in these situations, especially towards new parents.
Unless you’re bringing chocolate, wine or tea, in which case my door is open anytime.
“I used to do (insert ancient parenting hack here) with my baby back in the day!”
What REALLY irritates me is when people tell me what parenting methods they used YEARS ago, and then expect me to do the same. Good for you that you put your baby down to sleep on her stomach years ago, but I’ll continue placing mine on her back thank you!
A lot of things have changed in the past 30 years. Following the correct guidelines helped me to feel at ease in those early days when I worried about SIDS.
“You should keep trying with the breastfeeding!”
Said to me by several people, despite me being unable to breastfeed. What a mother decides to do with her boobs is nobody’s business! The decision of a first-time mum (or second, third, fourth, fifth and so on for that matter) should always be accepted and respected.
Making judgemental comments to a first-time mum about how she chooses to feed her baby, especially when she’s unable to breasfeed, is not the right way to go!
“Back in my day, I managed without any help!”
A comment that was made several times by the older generation. Every person is different and some people may be able to manage without help from others, while others will need it.
If you’re lucky to have family members or friends who are willing to provide babysitting duties, then accept their help! There’s no shame in it.
I’ll always admire those who aren’t lucky to have extra help. But those who don’t receive any offers of help shouldn’t make judgemental comments to a first-time mum who does. People judged me for receiving lots of help from family members but it didn’t always make things easier.
Which brings me to the next comment:
“When can I see the baby again?“
Helpful grandparents, aunties, uncles and friends can be a godsend in the early days of being a first-time mum. However, there can be too much of a good thing. There were many difficult situations early on where family members were clashing about who was next going to look after MY baby and asking when they were next going to see her.
It sometimes felt like my baby wasn’t my own and I regret not being more assertive and telling people to back off.
For first-time mums, bonding time with their baby is extremely important. You need time to adjust to having a new tiny human in the house who you are fully responsible for. The last thing you need is family members arguing about who gets to spend time with your baby!
The next comment was made a little bit later into the parenting journey, but I had to include it on this list, because it still pisses me off when I think back to it:
“Oooh, you’re letting him do all the hard work!”
Said to me by a man during the lockdown in 2020.
The husband and I decided to take the children for a walk in a local country park (which was incredibly busy despite all the “stay at home” guidelines). For thirteen weeks, schools in the UK had been closed. For thirteen weeks, I tried to do the activities set by nursery with my then 3-year-old daughter. While also trying to parent my then 7-month-old son.
The 3-year-old was in full threenager stage and the 7-month-old was teething and often resisting naps.
I was frazzled.
Defeated.
Exhausted.
Desperate for a break.
So I decided to let Daddy take over on our walk so that I could have a moment – just one moment – to myself.
And this random man, who was in his 60s or 70s, walked past us and decided to label me as a lazy mum who was letting my poor husband do all the hard work.
This man obviously had no idea that I’d just spent thirteen weeks stuck indoors with a toddler and a baby in the middle of a global pandemic and that I’d done the bulk of the parenting work while my keyworker husband was working extra hours.
But why make any comment at all?!
Why did this man take just one look at me and my husband, who had our baby strapped to him and was holding our daughter’s hand, and decide to make the assumption that mum was a lazy arse who had dumped the kids on poor daddy?
I was too tired and shocked to tell him to piss off and mind his own business.
But I shouldn’t have been shocked…
…Because there will always be some random member of the public who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to be a judgemental arse!
Share your thoughts!